On the rock, amidst the ocean, alone...

Today, it's a whole lot of phantoms around me. People who were stripped off their lives when they were going through important stages in their lives...
I am deep packed in a slimy shell, which however hard I try, refuses to break. I wish I could tell someone I am wriggling inside, trying desperately to come out...But not even my sound comes out. I wish someone might come and break this for the time being. But soon I change my mind, lest they get frightened by the quagmire I am standing on.
That great man smiles in front of me, he wants me to cheer up and he always wanted me to. But when I look at his smile, the day that smile is going to fade frightens me. He knows he is being eaten up by his own cells, and he is readying himself for a happy departure... I wish for that miracle one of my friends were talking about. That same miracle which when combined with the invincible will of a man, enabled her father to stand up from bed and smile... I wish I could see that miracle since I can withstand no more dear's tears...

Someone is out there in rain

Someone is out there in rain
Why are you getting yourself drenched? Get inside, I said.
But he didn’t respond.
May be there is a storm inside him
May be its a mundane bondage that hurts him
Anyway, out there in rain,
In the darkest hour of night,
He is drenching himself.
There is lightning outside
In the momentary flash of the firmament,
I could see the silhouette of the man,
who refused to be away from the rain.
“Why do you let him to wet?
Why making him wait in the rain for the doors to be opened?, somebody asks from darkness
“The doors are open, I replied.
No response
Another lightning flash
It was shocking to see the face of the drenched man this time
He was myself
Now let me utter
Yes, the doors are not open
And they never have been...

അഹങ്കാരം ഒരു ദുര്‍ഗുണമോ?

പൊതുവേ സമൂഹത്തില്‍ ഇകഴ്ത്തപ്പെടുന്ന ഒരു സംഗതിയാണ് അഹങ്കാരം. ഒരാള്‍ അല്പം തന്നിഷ്ടം കാണിച്ചാല്‍, മറ്റുള്ളവരുടെ വാക്കിനു വേണ്ടത്ര പ്രാധാന്യം കൊടുക്കാതിരുന്നാല്‍, അല്പം കൂടുതല്‍ ആത്മവിശ്വാസം പ്രകടിപ്പിച്ചാല്‍ ...അങ്ങനെ പലപ്പോഴും സമൂഹം അവനെ 'അഹങ്കാരി' എന്ന് വിളിച്ചു കുറ്റപ്പെടുത്താറണ്ട് . പക്ഷെ ഒരാള്‍ അഹങ്കാരിയായാല്‍ അത് സത്യത്തില്‍ മറ്റുള്ളവരെ ബാധിക്കാറുണ്ടോ? അപൂര്‍വ്വം ചില സന്ദര്‍ഭങ്ങളില്‍ ഒഴിച്ചാല്‍ ഒരാളുടെ അഹങ്കാരം അയാളെ അല്ലാതെ മറ്റാരെയും ഉപദ്രവിക്കാറില്ല. 'pride goes before a fall' എന്ന ആംഗല പഴഞ്ചൊല്ല് അഹങ്കാരിയുടെ 'fall' നെ പറ്റിയാണ് പറയുന്നത്. അങ്ങനെയെങ്കില്‍ സമൂഹം എന്തിനാണ് അവനെ വെറുക്കുന്നത്? അവനോട് സഹതാപമല്ലേ കാണിക്കേണ്ടത്? സത്യത്തില്‍ നാം ഒരു അഹങ്കാരിയെ വെറുക്കുന്നത് അവന്‍ അഹങ്കാരിയായതുകൊണ്ടല്ല. മറിച്ച് അവന്റെ അഹങ്കാരത്തെ നാം നമ്മുടെ അഹങ്കാരത്തോടുള്ള വെല്ലുവിളിയായി കാണുന്നത് കൊണ്ടാണ്. അവനോടു തോന്നുന്ന ഈര്‍ഷ്യ, അഹങ്കാരം എന്ന ദുര്‍ഗുണത്തോട്‌ നമ്മിലെ സദ്ഗുണം കാണിക്കുന്ന പ്രതികരണം അല്ല. മറിച്ച് അവനിലെയും നമ്മിലെയും അഹങ്കാരങ്ങള്‍ തമ്മിലുള്ള വികര്‍ഷണം ആണത്. ഞാന്‍ എത്രത്തോളം അഹങ്കാരിയാണോ, അത്രത്തോളം മറ്റുള്ളവരിലെ അഹങ്കാരത്തെ ഞാന്‍ വെറുക്കും. നമ്മുടെ ഭൂരിഭാഗം പ്രശ്നങ്ങളുടെയും ഉറവിടം നമ്മില്‍ ഓരോരുത്തരിലും ഉള്ള 'ഞാന്‍' എന്ന ബോധം തന്നെയാണ്. പക്ഷെ ഈ 'ഞാന്‍' എന്ന ബോധം ഞാന്‍ മാത്രമുള്ളപ്പോള്‍ ഉണ്ടാവില്ല എന്നതാണ് മറ്റൊരു വിരോധാഭാസം! ഒറ്റയ്ക്കിരിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ ഞാന്‍ നല്ലവനോ ചീത്തയോ അഹങ്കാരിയോ വിനയശീലനോ ഒന്നുമല്ല. മറ്റൊരാളുടെ സാനിധ്യത്തില്‍ എന്നില്‍ 'ഞാന്‍' എന്ന ബോധം ഉടലെടുക്കും. എന്നിലെ സ്വഭാവ വിശേഷങ്ങളെ ആധാരമാക്കി ഞാന്‍ മറ്റുള്ളവരെ അളക്കാന്‍ തുടങ്ങും. അപ്പോഴാണ്‌ നന്മ-തിന്മ വേര്‍തിരിവുകള്‍ അവിടെ ഉണ്ടാകുന്നത്. ഈ അഹംഭാവമാണ് ഒരു പരിധിവരെ നമ്മുടെ വ്യക്തിത്വം.

Why should I change?

There were many situations in my life where I thought I am urgently in need of a total reformation of my character. In many of them I even tried to be a different person, with new attitudes, new behaviors, new outlooks etc. But I realized later that there are limits up to which one can change. A person who talks a lot can become one who never talk. But he can never become a man who speaks only moderately. Human mind stays in extremes, that I am well convinced. An important thing which I realized, used to advise myself and now I use here to advise those who wish to change themselves is this: The people who love you, love you because of the way you are now. You want to change means either you want more people to like you or you want you to like yourself. I don't think it will work. If you took this many years to make this many people who like you now, how long will it take to collect this many people who like the 'new you'? Moreover, when you are trying to be someone who you actually ain't, you will have to be perpetually conscious of the way you behave. That will tamper with the normal day-to-day activities and you will start looking weird. So better be what you are and accept yourself as you are. (To all those dear friends who once in a while advised me NOT to change; yes dear! I haven't changed)

The performer...

He visits my thoughts sometimes...
It was a usual evening in the park for others. For me it was just a day away from home, when I was asked to accompany a friend to the park who when that particular girl called, left me in that corner and dived into the earphone of his mobile phone.
It was in that lonely moment of boredom, he caught my attention. He was sitting there, curiously watching the playing kids around. When I looked at him, he gave me a smile. It was such a peculiar smile that it made me sit beside him. We had some formal conversation. But somehow I asked him that question, "Is there anything that haunts you?". He stopped for a moment and gave that beautiful smile again. Then he told me a few stories that he never got a chance to tell, despite being a story teller.
He told me everyone liked him, but no one ever knew who he was. He was an active student in college days, an active person in his office and so everyone said he was a nice guy. But he always felt something was wrong and never knew what it was. He said, all liked the superficial appearance of him but no one could tolerate with what he really was. He had two lovers in his life, both of them left him because they could not accept the person beyond how he appeared before others. He was afraid to have a third person in that category. "People likes me when I say jokes, my adventure and funny stories... people like me when I give elocution in functions...But when I talk about my pain, they begin to recede. They say my sad part which I say cannot be true... I can never be sad, they say", he often repeated things he already said, which reflected that those things were haunting him.
I said nothing until he completed with a smile and gave a sigh. He resembled much like me, I felt. I told him, "You are basically a performer and you are supposed to perform. So am I. Each day I compete with the performer I were the previous day. There may be people who can see beyond that performer and see that real you. You will meet them on the course of your life...", Nothing I said could console him, that I know. It was just a mechanical advice, although sincere it was.